beware and be aware of the mighty grizzly bear.

Hey all.

Life in Jackson continues to be. I'm getting a little more settled here. I went to a church group last night and I was able to greet people by name. But man oh man oh man oh man oh man, I miss you. I miss you. and you. ooooh hoooo hooo hoooo.
I had a day off today, because I'm going to be working a lot the next few days coming up. I went to the library and then I went and sat in a coffee shop. It was nice. The interesting thing though about sitting alone in a coffee shop is that you get to hear so many things going on around you. And sitting there, drinking my hot chocolate, my heart was breaking. For the people. for their conversations. for the sadness and the feigned apathy. For the 'I don't care' that is said while holding back tears. Oh but you do care. and it's ok to care. it's human to care. it hurts to care. its because you care that it hurts...

And watching and hearing this go on is like holding a mirror up to my heart.
I'm glad that it's still a lie when I say that I don't care. Because as painful as it is, not caring is even worse.

That is one of the most difficult lessons I've tried on.

Iwanttorun.no,wait,i'dratherhide.i'mweakandi'mscaredandi'mlost.
Idon'tknowwhattodo.helphelphelp.somethingneedstochange.
quickquickineedtodosomething.
I'm like a little frightened bunny - all in my head i run. i stop. I panic. and then I freeze. with my little heart beating aballion beats per moment.
because i'm scared. and i don't want to hurt anymore.
because going on this way is too painful.

sometimes the pain is too much to handle.
a sadness that turns into physical pain.
and sometimes i wish i didn't feel it.
i wish i didn't care.
i wish i wasn't human.
or hurtable.
or weak.

I'm still learning to be grateful for pain.
i'd rather you break my arm than my heart.

good thing God is the champion of broken people.

Forgiveness isn't free.
Someone has to pay -
swallow their pride,
the hurt,
the injustice,
the misunderstanding.
Someone has to break human nature.
Forgiveness is a gift that someone paid for.
Freely given, but not freely gotten.
And that is precisely why it is valuable.

i will be more grateful for it in the future.