just now.

Hey you alls.

I miss you. I like being with you.

From this line down the rest of this post is more for me than for you. That is your warning -- if you are bored, just click the little X in the top corner of the page....

I like Wyoming, but that doesn't mean that I like California or Oregon any less. It's weird how that is.
I miss my family. I don't feel like I really live here... I mean, I don't think that I would really call this home. I don't know what I would call home, but my heart isn't attached to my body right now. It's like I'm on vacation -- a good vacation, but still vacation. Maybe it's my lack of escape plan -- which is exactly what is good for me. I need to be in a place that I don't just leave on a whim. That's kinda what this was... I mean, one day it went from me planning on living in California for an indefinite amount of time to literally the next day filling my head and journal with thoughts of Wyoming.
The argument could be made that I left too quickly. It could also be made that I've raced through life up until this point. I might do it different if I could do it over. I know that there are some unique things that I've seen and learned doing it the way that I have, but sometimes I wish that I was a little more normal... I kinda wish that I was living at my parents house. I kinda wish that I didn't rush through school. I kinda wish that I had gone out and partied and been drunk and smoked pot and had 20 boyfriends.
But the kindas aren't real. I'm just having an affair with them... ...The thoughts of what could've been. And I realize they aren't real. I realize that there is nothing longterm to be had with them. I *understand* that what I have now is indeed real, and is indeed the path that God has me walking down. But sometimes it is so much nicer to picture life hyperbolized, romanticized -- where everything is larger than life, and it all works out so nicely. But the truth is again, those thoughts are my affair -- A life that I think would be better than what I have now. It's not real. After a night of wild passion entertaining thoughts of kinda wishes, I wake up with reality. And here it is -- I am cheating on myself. I am cheating on the real life that I could be living as long as I entertain thoughts of things I kinda wish could've been. And it not only hurts me, but those around me too... People who are trying to know me or trust me.
So this is my conclusion: I will be faithful to the life set before me. No more fooling around with the past. Here is my life, please come join me on my walk, but don't ask me to turn around or take a detour. I want to stick with what is real.