Hi.

So, I'm kinda thinking about maybe leaving on my roadtrip finally. I don't really want to go home. Bad call? Maybe. But, I have friends here. I have a job and a life and consistency and happiness. I don't even have a bed anymore at my parents house. I honestly think that they burned the mattress. No kidding. It was a really old bed and they wanted to move it to make room for the library that they are making my old room into, and my dad said that he lay down on my bed and he claims it was the most uncomfortable thing in the world and then he apologized for having me sleep on it the past 19 years. And then he said that they were planning on burning it. I liked my mattress! Anyway, beside the point.
I've also decided that I don't like being homeless. Not by myself anyway. Not when I know that there are people who would care if I got hurt anyway. See, I would be alright sleeping in a stranger's home or in my car on the side of the road or a parking lot or forest, but I realize that it's not a necessity, and I would really upset a lot of people if anything bad happened in those situations. It's a good thing that so many people care. I wonder, is it really so much different for a girl to do those things than it is for a boy? I mean, we are told that it is, but is it? I don't know where I am sleeping tonight. I might just pick one of the above options and not tell.
Anyway, so I'm packing up some stuff that I will need for the month before I come back. This is a far cry from the blogs of tears when I first moved here. For me it took about a month and half before I stopped crying on a near daily basis. I'm just now feeling comfortable around here. But I still don't fully feel like myself. I skirt around many topics and questions. I haven't opened up myself to being hurt. I'm still kinda detached. Thats always been the defense I run to first. Hmm... I'm not saying it's good, I'm just saying it is. ...means I have more than when all my defenses were stripped away -- that there is a measure of strength back that I didn't have for a while. But I don't really want that. I don't want healing to be manifested in building stronger walls. Would not greater healing be shown by a lesser need for walls in general? We can see what hurt us, and we can look and avoid that. We can avoid painfully stimuli by both routes-- by hiding from everything, or by acknowledging and preventing specifics. We can avoid sunburn by staying in a dark room all day. Or we can put on sunscreen and still experience the world. I've learned not to get close or allow others to either. Even with Luke I was never fully vulnerable. I'm kinda tired of sitting in a dark room, but I'm so scared to go outside.

I love the flowers growing on my porch. It seems like I'm always watering them, but it seems like they are always needing it. They remind me how much I need God and grace.